As a single lesbian or a lesbian couple it is possible that you have very high expectations of yourselves as parents. This is not really surprising given that you are parenting under the critical gaze of a very disapproving public. Lesbian parents often feel scrutinized. You may feel pressure from family, other lesbians and the outside world. You may have spent a long time planning your life with your baby and consequently, have developed a very idealised view of what you will be like as a parent and what the experience of parenting will be like for you.
|
While many of the challenges of having a new baby are not unique to lesbian families, many are. Being a family and having another person around (albeit small) who demands attention, time and acknowledgment is hard work. All new parents are sleep deprived and birth mothers have to contend with hormonal changes, recovery from the birth and breastfeeding issues.
|
The majority of community supports and networks that exist to provide early parenting support to new families have grown around the needs of heterosexual couples. This can be isolating for families who fall outside the norm' and consequently have a range of parenting issues that will never be experienced by heterosexual couples.
|
Any opportunity you can find to be with other lesbian mothers is likely to help you through this time. Lesbian parent groups or playgroups are a really good way for women to come together and share common experiences (see Contacts).
|
Meanwhile,
|
- Keep some perspective - it won't be like this forever
|
- Have reasonable expectations of what you can do
|
- Find a maternal health nurse that you can have a reasonably good relationship with - most importantly whose information you trust
|
- Link in to lesbian family networks, such as, groups, playgroups, chat rooms, internet and books to share your experiences and knowledge
|
- Hold on to your sense of humour. This will often be difficult but you've just got to laugh at times
|
- Keep talking to each other, to friends and to your family. Make sure people know what you need
|
- Find time to nurture your relationship. Go out, see a movie, go for a walk. Have a conversation that isn't about babies. Make time for each other
|
- Involve others in your baby's life who might be able to help out, such as your friends, family, neighbours - with cooking, washing, cleaning, shopping, baby sitting!
|
- Start thinking about booking childcare places now. If you haven't already done so and you're planning to return to employment, you really should book as early as you possibly can.
|
|
Early parenting issues for the non-birth mother
|
As the non-birth mother you are dealing with a variety of practical issues, as well as your feelings about the new baby, your role as a mother and partner, and family life.
|
Your workplace may or may or may not give you maternity, parental or in some cases paternity leave! Check with your Human Resources department or your union first to find out what entitlements you may have. Ideally you will negotiate some sort of leave so that you can share some time with your partner and baby, either immediately or as a baby-job-share arrangement at a later date.
|
Before the baby is born it might be useful if you and your partner could identify ways to share the care of the baby and household duties. Ultimately as you both settle into your role as parents, your individual roles will probably evolve. While the behind the scenes' kind of help is crucial, if you end up doing it all you will be exhausted, possibly resentful, and certainly have lost important intimate time with your baby and partner.
|
Find supports where you can talk about your experiences and feelings. Ask friends to help out with cooking meals, practical jobs or even a massage! In addition you may need time out from home where you can focus on something other than the demands of baby for awhile.
|
When mothering doesn't come easily
|
There are a lot of mixed feelings for the non-birth mother including a sense of vulnerability. This is common enough amongst new parents but you have the added stress of being in a role that is not culturally established'.* Friends and family may not give you the recognition that they might give to a heterosexual couple or indeed a father.
|
You may also need to work at bonding' with the baby; something that may come a bit more easily for your partner. Your partner is also likely to be preoccupied with the baby, which may be more difficult to experience in practise than it was in theory.
|
Lesbian parent groups, play groups and other situations where you can meet with other partners and share your experiences are invaluable at this time. There are also some good parenting resources available which are mentioned at the end of this booklet.
|
* Kim Toevs and Stephanie Brill in The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth (2002).
|
Disclaimer
|
The Royal Women’s Hospital does not accept any liability to any person for the information or advice (or use of such information or advice) which is provided in this booklet or incorporated into it by reference.
We provide this information on the understanding that all persons accessing it take responsibility for assessing its relevance and accuracy.
Women are encouraged to discuss their health needs with a health practitioner.
If you have concerns about your health, you should seek advice from your health care provider or if you require urgent care you should go to the nearest Emergency Dept.
|
Published 2003, last updated May 2008
|
