No matter what your insemination choice, if conception doesn't happen straight away - and in many cases it won't - then the time ahead is likely to be emotionally turbulent. Women describe a two-week cycle of emotions; the highs of ovulation and potential conception, and the sadness that comes with the arrival of their period.
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You may have a buoyant start to your journey followed by the reality check - that donor insemination, whether at home or in a clinical setting, is likely to be difficult. The trick is to maintain a sense of reality and not fall into despondency.
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Clinical insemination can feel very medical and impersonal and if fertility drugs are involved, then there will also be the stress of potential side effects and hormonal mayhem.
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Strategies for the road to conception
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(When it doesn't happen straight away)*
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Ask for help and support when you need it
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Fertility clinics often involve large numbers of staff and patients. Even with the best intentions staff may not be able to meet your individual needs. You may need to ask for additional support, information or arrange extra appointments.
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If you are self-inseminating without success then you may need to talk to a GP and find out if there is a medical problem.
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Educate yourself
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Read, read, read and ask a whole lot of questions. Knowledge about your options and your health is a great source of strength. Talk to other women who have been down this path. Join support groups.
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Take charge
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Even in a clinical setting you can have some sense of control. Ask for extra appointments if you need to ask for more information. Ask about options and decide what is best for you. Keep a journal of questions you want to ask or issues you want to raise at your next appointment.
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If you are dissatisfied with the service you're receiving, feed this back to the clinic. If you're still unhappy, talk to your GP or a counsellor about other options.
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Set times for review
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Rather than giving yourself a strict pregnancy deadline, decide instead to review your situation - say every six months. A review gives you more flexibility and means that you can allow your experiences so far to influence where you want to go next. A counsellor, GP or support group may be able to provide you with support when you are making new plans.
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Be clear about whom you want to tell
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It may be useful to think about what you want people to know about your conception attempts and your cycle. Ask yourself, why do I need to tell these people anything at all? If it is for support or guidance, then be selective about those with whom you share this information. If you tell too many people or you tell people who cannot be supportive, you may find your levels of stress increase.
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You will find that once the news is out the floodgates will open to an ocean of advice - often contradictory. This is ok if you're prepared for it, but don't feel you have to take it all on. Your expectations, ideals and experiences are your own, as are the decisions you make.
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You may feel the need to tell your workplace to account for absences or trips to clinics, but again, you can be selective about who you tell and what you tell them.
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Be clear with others about what you may need from them during your cycle or as you share your updates - otherwise they may not know what to offer you.
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Plan for chaos
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Anything can happen and it probably will. Plan your life around the chance that an insemination may not be successful. Don't plan a party the day that your period is due or a family dinner the day you get your pregnancy results. There's no need to be constantly negative but it's worth being prepared.
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It is not uncommon for people who are waiting to get pregnant to turn their energies to some other major project - like house renovations, a new job or moving house. While it is understandable to want to fill the void with some other project it is probably not the best time to do it. Try to find smaller, less stressful ways to distract yourself.
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Have some fun
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Stress and fun don't usually go hand in hand. But a bit of fun is a good way to reduce stress. A good laugh, a movie, dinner parties with friends etc.
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Take breaks
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It can start to feel like your whole life is revolving around the quest to get pregnant. It can be hard to take a break, especially if you are older and feel that time is running out. But a break can help you take stock and consider your options.
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Relationships
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If you are in a relationship, you and your partner are likely to have different reactions to the journey to pregnancy. The woman attempting to conceive may be feeling invaded and vulnerable while the other woman might feel a little helpless or indeed left out. One may have a more emotional reaction; the other may be more practical and philosophical about the outcome.
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There are ways that you may be able to make your different approaches work for you. If you are the one who is more practical, then you may be the best person to make appointments, get results, and keep family and friends up to date.
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Try not to leave your partner to guess your needs. Let her know what you find helpful. Don't assume she knows what you need and don't assume she needs the same things as you.
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*The section 'Strategies for the road to conception' is based on Chapter 7, Taking Charge of your Fertility, written by counsellors at Melbourne IVF and edited by Kay Oke.
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What if I can't get pregnant?
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Some women will find they cannot conceive. There will be a point at which you must personally decide how far or how much is enough for you. Some women will have a break to decide what to do next or whether to continue at all.
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The decision to stop trying is extremely difficult. Some women describe the conception process as addictive in the sense that the more money, time and emotional energy invested, the more determined they become to succeed.
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For many women the decision to stop also brings about a sense of shame or failure, as well as grief and sadness. It is worth talking these feelings over with a counsellor or close friends if you feel stuck or unable to move forward and make future decisions.
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There is no way that you can substitute your desire to have a baby but there are positive ways that you can incorporate children into your life.
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Is it your partner's turn?
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For those women who are in a partnership, this is of course a possibility, particularly if both are committed to the idea of making a family. Both women are likely to have strong emotions about this and it would be worth working through them before reaching a final decision.
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Adoption
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While it is not legal for lesbians to adopt under Victorian law, single women and lesbians can apply for international adoption through the Department of Human Services. The country of adoption will have its own requirements that must be met by applicants. Exclusion criteria may relate to the sexuality of parents, ethnicity, and age for example .
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Foster care
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Foster care is an option open to same sex attracted couples or individuals. The criteria for foster care can vary from agency to agency and is worth discussing with each agency to determine their sensitivity to your family structure and needs. Foster care typically involves the temporary care of someone else's children in a number of ways. You can offer respite (e.g. one weekend a month), emergency respite (short notice, short-term care) and short or long-term care.
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For more information about foster care contact:
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Children's Welfare Association of Victoria Inc.
| Peak body for the community based family, adolescent and children's welfare services, which has links to the Foster Care Association of Victoria and a list of Foster Care agencies.
| Level 4/313 Flinders Lane,
| Melbourne, Victoria 3000
| Tel: (03) 9614 1577
| Email: admin@cwav.asn.au
| Web: www.cwav.asn.au
| Sharecare
| Keen to recruit more lesbian foster carers.
| Tel: (03) 9417 1288
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Other ways to have children in your life
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Some women like to find other ways of having children in their lives. You may join a Big Brother Big Sister Program or sponsor a local or international child. Some women enjoy playing an important role in the life of a friend's child. You can also involve yourself in volunteer or paid work with children.
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New projects and directions
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After putting a lot of energy into the conception process you may find you have put other life plans or projects on hold. It may now be time to consider new dreams or goals that will provide you with a new focus. What else had you planned in your life other than, or in addition, to children? What short and long-term interests can be pursued that are equally important for you?
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Disclaimer
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The Royal Women’s Hospital does not accept any liability to any person for the information or advice (or use of such information or advice) which is provided in this booklet or incorporated into it by reference.
We provide this information on the understanding that all persons accessing it take responsibility for assessing its relevance and accuracy.
Women are encouraged to discuss their health needs with a health practitioner.
If you have concerns about your health, you should seek advice from your health care provider or if you require urgent care you should go to the nearest Emergency Dept.
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Published 2003, last updated May 2008
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